How long can I keep up this facade? How much do I have to hurt?
I can't even just blame Carl. I'm hurting myself. Keeping up this ridiculous almost-friendship. This friendship that his girlfriend can't know anything about. This friendship that only exists when it's convenient for him. The friendship I can't even rely on anymore. What's the point of a "friendship" like that? What happens when I need someone to talk to in the middle of the night and he can't be that person because she's there. Instead of me. Yet, knowing I'm here alone, he sends texts that wake me up during early morning hours. How is that fair to me? Why do I need to keep being pulled back into something that isn't?
I'm being replaced. Not slowly. And it's harder than anyone can believe to try to juggle being ousted and being supportive. I don't know why I'm doing it. Maybe I can't seem to see my life without him as my friend. Maybe I want to be around for when he gets hurt so I can laugh. Maybe I'm having trouble fully being on my own for the first time ever.
Actually, that last part is probably the most truthful. You see, there's this guy I really like. Like, a lot. And we have a lot in common. And I'm clinging to him. It's not fair to him at all, but I can't help it because that's all I know. How to be in a relationship. How to be someone's significant other. How to live for someone else; centered around someone elses life. And I can see all of this clinging leading down a path that I don't want it to go down. I'm trying, I should really get some credit for that, but I can't seem to stop. And I don't think there are enough apologies in the world to make something like that better.
How does it end up that me, being the bigger person, is the only one in this whole situation that doesn't have another person to constantly turn to? Yeah. I have my friends. And they're amazing. But there's just something super comforting about having one special person. A confidant. Someone who you have to know wants you to feel better.
I know most people will say that I need to figure out me before I try to figure out anything else. But, I don't need to figure out me. I know me. I know what I lost of myself when I was with Carl. It'll take a while to get it back. I'm already working on it. I'm good on that front.
I apologize for my midnight rantings. Today's been a long day. Emotionally draining for whatever unknown reason. No outlet to pour my thoughts/feelings into. I turn to a blog. A blog that I don't even know if I want anyone to read. But at the very least it helps to get it down. It feels a lot better to have all that negativity out in the open. Much easier to deal with.
